i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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