Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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