you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she told me i tasted like america
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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