You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
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you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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