I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
