I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
