I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
