Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Buhtt sex?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
