if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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