She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
