Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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