I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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