Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
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I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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