i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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