My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
