I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
