god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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