So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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