Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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