Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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