So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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