I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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