u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
