I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
