I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
