Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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