PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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