I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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