The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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