The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
