the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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