A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
