It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
