at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
