I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
