Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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