I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
