this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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