I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
