Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
