And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
