Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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