there's paper in my vomit.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
