The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
