I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
