Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
