A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
