Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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