marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
