Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
