i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
