Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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