Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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