I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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