I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.