You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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