this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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