i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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